beat les jaunes d-oeuf until they double in size, bring them to the stove and beat them still. add the butter, keep beating. salt, cayenne, the mix is enormous now. poach more eggs, they bow and quiver in the water like jellyfish. toast english muffins, add the ham, warm. the eggs then balance on top, and look rubbery. spoon on the hollandaise, grind pepper over it all. race out to the garden as mother comes downstairs for a little bit of this spring's bitter parsley. we eat in silence, except for mother moaning happily. the sound disturbs me a little bit, as though it were obscene, and i feel guilty for thinking it.