reality versus affect

for me the problem stems from where the one is undistinguishable from the other. or has subsumed the other. such as, i have been so fed on pretense that it is like heroin to me: i hate it, but need it. and honesty in all it's bluntness, the uncouth yet true acts of lesser bound humans, frighten me and incite in me a curiosity that seems perverse. it is fitting though, that it should feel that way, since at a base level my animal humanity has been stifled by my social humanity. my word choice here is poor, but i don't know how to fix that. and why are those desires base? in that they confront head on the issues that society dances around and dresses up into a deviant version of itself?