winded. a long day of jumping through hoops, no end in sight. promissory note, certificate of completion, seven-digit code, authentic birth records, three to four weeks prior to the due date, money order, mayhem, blood in the milk, split the cost, split the hair, fall asleep in the early evening mumbling into your pillow as though it were a lover's chest

next door's pink roses undulate on the other side of the old glass windows, old glass crying down through the decades. birds slice out last chirping notes, scrounging for one more scrap of this or that for the newborns. they hopped around all morning by my feet while i did laundry with the doors open. daring or just desperate with the new mouths to feed, and they know i'll dole out the sunflower seeds. cooked for ann, and enjoyed cooking. it has been awhile, but it felt good to crush the fresh thyme between my fingers, juice the lemon and pick out the seeds, slice scallions thinly, grate ginger, then stir it all into thick yogurt, salt it, and bake it with chicken. served with haricots verts and pinot grigio. ooh la la. meant to take a hike, but instead read fifty more pages of islamic history. picked up hydrocodon at the tiny pharmacy on the corner, met the greengrocer and his son, half-promised to ride bikes and drink beers and play chess this evening with the bakery crew.

my favorite sweater is at angel's house without me. she promised we would climb a mountain before i left. jessie's letter from the farralons makes me smile, so i reread it twice. "just my imagination" plays at star grocery while i inspect the shallots and find mine at bottom left.

went on a date and felt very small, like you could feed me through the eye of a needle and only my hips would catch before i came through. can i call you? no– i don't know. yes. i'm sorry. i can't do this right now. i need to go home.

feel good in my body, but loose in some places and snug in others, like: am i a boy or a girl? must be. sat on the back porch with the birds and the flowers and mint chocolate icecream, thought: girl. but wouldn't it be nicer if i weren't?